Please

find me a shelter,
a home,
some where safe to hide everything hidden.
Let me
pour my soul
down your throat so I
know
that you can handle the sting that is
my pain.
Notice me.
Diagnose me.
Find me lost inside myself.
Lift me higher,
only to throw me past sanity
into a heaven
that is not mine;
littered with too much stardust.
Take me
deep into your warm chest.
Bury me
beneath your weight.
Keep me
wrapped within an iron grasp, see
God forbid I fall apart.

God forbid I am saved.

The end always comes

to all things that are good.

And though you have me drifting weightlessly though my own voids of confusion,

I'm glad you will still be my friend.

I must realize

that these things are relative.
Desires kept in check
I have to lure my heart back to it's hiding place,
for I am too proud to be the elephant in the room.

Swallow that laughter
and realize that
You, Kayla, aren't meant for another.
Ride the tide inland
but enjoy the the gentile motions of the water
and never ever forget
that everything must end.

Swelling, as if a balloon,

my heart lifts for the sky.

Perhaps

It isn't in this world
That I'll find my happiness.

I'm certain I'll find me somewhere.

I have to

stop chasing my heart

Before I lose my head.

I am

Breaking my own heart.

Just in case.

I will

Make you
From the earth
Around my feet.
Build you up
Until you touch
The big blue sky..
Then leave you
When you've finally outgrown me.

(It is such that,
The Artist
Is always outshone
And shadowed
By her craft.)

Uncertain

if I should trust this subtle terrain,
I tread into clean waters.
Clutching my murky indecisions close, I idly wonder
when the monsters will come.

Debt

found a way to consume me in my entirety.. I am far in over my pretty little head.

I'm not a very strong swimmer...

And you know;
It's always in those last few seconds--
head reeling,
chest burning
--that you regret holding ever your breath in the first place.

Sleeping pills

know sleeping dogs lie

never far enough away

glistening in the cold-sweat of guilt

I've watched you slowly winding down for years

it can't keep on like this

now's as bad a time as any

These goals

are certainly

achievable.

And, here I am.

Just moment closer to the day I'll have no clue what I'm doing.

and it's nothing but

smooth sailing on choppy waters from here...

why don't you say so?

Drop his name,
push it in and twist the knife again

Watch my face
as I pretend to feel no pain

So here it is..

Of all the familiar sounds, sights, and smells,
I regret to know that
you are no longer one of them.

You just kind of

came out of nowhere

you know..

I never liked you anyway.
The whole time there was another man on my mind
so put that in your mouth and suck on it.
No matter how many women you clip to your side you will always be alone.
No matter how many lies you feed them, they won't ever love you.
And if someday you actually manage to care
the wounds will have already sunk too deep.
And then you'll finally realize how deep these words spoken have cut you.
you have a hole that cannot be filled.
and I
pity you.
but not certainly not enough to care.

when

I don't have art;
I have nothing.

why can't I

mold a love from clay
burn him in wax
sculpt him from wire
carve him in stone
brush him from acrylic
or
sketch him from a page...
oh how I am alone.

i'm in too far

over my head.
no one will do this with me :(

I'm so terribly

Masochistic

Sometimes I wish

that I could be one of those people who can love someone else.  I mean, I can love. I do love..
But when presented with an opportunity to have and hold that person all to my self.. I can't accept it.
Even if it's someone I really.. really, really love.
I can't have him.
As much as I want to be in someone's loving arms, my heart can't afford to be caged like that.
I'm lucky, in a sense.. I am not one part looking for another half to make my whole.
for I am already a completed piece in my collective life.
Don't get me wrong.. if I haven't already, one day I'll find that man that I already dream of and love so much
but it's sad to know that there will be no room for him in my heart.. in my life.
Doomed to be a lonely wandering artist, I'm sure..
There isn't room inside of me for anyone else
because within me ever burns a fire that smokes out all other feeling I harbor.  And it's a desperate need to
create things that only I can see.
People will tell me that I'm wrong.  That one day, oh that day I'll find that special something, someone.
They have no idea that I've had that special something since the day I could fist a crayon, and drag it along a surface.
People like me are far and few between..
having that innate desire and gentle love for things unseen
I'm brimmed with worlds that none of you will ever see or feel
and in exchange, I have no room left for romance.

I know inside that I will only ever love from an objective point of view-- and if I get close to the real thing, my worlds hidden within me will cry out and shun the stranger.
I've never wanted to be normal, but this place out here seems so alien to me.. people are too complex for me to want to understand on a deep level
so I recede into my private eden.
It'd be nice if I knew how to let someone share my invisible paradise
whatever.
I digress.

But I'm still

Alone.

Lately..

From the corner of my eyes I'm seeing shadows
when I let my guard down, I'm feeling arms around me, so warm and familiar..
a scent I can't ever place will brush my senses;
my heart then skips a beat--
and I'm left breathless.
Completely and utterly breathless.
Then, I am filled with a sense that everything will be okay;
and tears of relief overflow from long-held compassion I've just waited to give.
I can close my eyes and I feel love from someone, somewhere.
I feel alive knowing that someday it'll all be right.
And to my loving stranger,
I do not yet know who you are, or where you will be when I find you
or rather, find you again-
but in the moment your ghostly arms become that coveted, solid embrace I've hungered for so long..
I know I'll have found sovereignty from myself.

I don't know

Who I am,
Who I am without you.

All I know is that i should.

I don't think that

I'm capable of loving someone.
Certainly, I love. I feel it. Strongly.
But I won't ever tell someone.
I won't ever let someone know.
Because on the off chance this stranger feels the same,
I couldn't bear hearing how he felt, which ever way that tide rushed in.

I can barely tell my family how I feel..
Or take hearing how they feel about me
The relief is so great that a tremendous rush of pain surges through me

and I cry so much

Medicine should help
but I see the hollow within my mother is trapped..
I want to be free
I want to live.

Another year
I cry
with this hidden inside my tedious breast..
holding my breath to stop the tears
I want to be happy, but it's commercial holidays like this that surface the pain.

This..

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far 

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid 

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid 

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid 

Because of you
Because of you

Just today it would seem

that justifiable competition has set foot in a tender area.
Now I mention that it might be, in fact, justifiable because of the events that transpired just some short while back.
However complacent I may behave
don't be fooled
I have a problem with it.
But you know this.  You know that I'm playing this game.  You're just ignoring what you see.

You're lies are excessive at best.  The truth has never escaped those lips to touch my ears in a distinctive manner so I'm not surprised.
So wait.
Because
I'm dangerously patient
and I always get
what
I
want.

Beauty

is by far the best revenge.

beg for it.

I'm gunna wash away everything until you come home

So that's it..

Here I stand, my heart walking defeated..
Wondering if it should tread the same path.. the same means of justification.
"Never before," it beats, "have I endured such loss."
But... nothing has changed
it is all as it was before.

Knees weak
I fall to the fates, breathless.
For, though I am certain that good things come to those who do wait--
I fear I didn't wait long enough.

As I count the casualties that are my Ego, Pride, and Dignity,
my crystalline heart looks up in wonder and exclaims to the world; with silence on my lips,
"Oh glorious day! Thou hast forsaken mine wonder."

With heavy conscience I lay to rest my broken effort
for this day is none for battle..
but an evening to grieve the loss of my will--
to travel many moons on the unmarked path,
and rejoice a morning that soon awaits
beyond the dark horizon.

Unbearable pain takes the place of my hollow in between.

Did you ever wonder

why a heart aches?
How is it that anyone can feel an emotion writhe just beneath their chest?
something untouchable
unseen
so inescapable
can be felt so strongly as if it were directly inflicted..
how amazing, I often think to myself.

I don't think I'll ever understand it
seeing as I can't even state my concern with the least bit of eloquence.